Life is confusing. Love is confusing. Sometimes all we can do is embrace the confusion and accept to live with it. Which we do almost every other day of our lives.
Most of the times we get to choose, other times our choices are taken by others, sometimes even influenced by others. Which is both good and bad. It depends for different people and different situations. Which is again... confusing.
For me, I need instances as examples to understand something deeper. Tell me not to do something, I might think why must I not. Rather, explain the whole incident to me and tell me what I did and the effect it caused and I shall evaluate my behavior the next time. Let me explain with instances to demonstrate this.
I am a confusion. To people.
A little background- I look like a guy, but I am not. I have short hair because I hate long hair. I mostly dress in airy clothes and decathlon tees, because I dress for comfort. I don't wear any ornaments because I don't prefer to.
Many times I've had people touch my shoulder to ask me something and then react to me being a woman. I've had men sit next to me when I go to eat (which ain't a big deal anymore because it's a single seat I occupy and I'm used to sharing my seat), but it is when they make their wives and daughters sit opposite to me. Everytime I take the bus, I get told to go back to the gents side of the bus, by aunties and/or by conductors, who have a hard time recognizing me as ladies. In the theaters or elsewhere when I enter the restroom I scare the ladies there.
I've always wondered how would I look from the outside? From the third person's perspective, at first sight, which I'm sure everyone wonders. It's just that these days, looking at people react to me, I'm more curious as to what I might come across as.
Weirdly enough, I've also had people (total strangers in a seat next to me, while travelling) ask me how I look so calm, yet happy and peaceful. This was how they started a conversation with me, by the way...
... Are people confusing(?!) or am I confusing?
I do not know my purpose in life. People have their assumptions/perceptions/beliefs, but I'm sure that I don't. I also have no goals. Short-term, long-term, smart goals... no. Just no.
I wonder about the universe, the world, it's people as dependent entities, our individual lives, the types of art, childbirth, alien theories, the kinds of things people come up with, mind-blowingly amazing things, relationships, butterflies and bees, evolution, the magic of music, tribal life, the undiscovered ocean, stone age and loads of other things. And no, I wouldn't call it existential crisis.
All this and more when I'm by myself, while being lost in thoughts. Sometimes there are no thoughts, and it's like being a dot in the middle of a blank white sheet of paper. And at the end of it, I realize that my life is beautiful and by looking at people laugh and smile around me it blows me looking at the happy lives they have.
My life now, is something that was put together by different things; my name was given to me. I was put in a school my dad dreamed of. I had to choose engineering because "they said" it had scope. I have a job that I chose and love. And I'm sure these things are connected and independent of each other in different ways.
We live or survive without a clue.
And people who are scared by that very thought, base their purpose on something they call higher than themselves.
And people who are thrilled by it, base and build their lives by themselves.
I look at people and I see me. You are me; flesh and blood, heart and brain, but a few things in you are a little different in me. The things you went through, I did not. But I can understand, because we are fundamentally the same, right? That's my kind of empathy.
I know the person's upbringing influences him/her, but I still try. Sometimes I also learn. Most of the times you don't know what a person is going through. And it's also difficult to always keep in mind that everyone we meet are fighting their own battles.
Most people know that I usually prefer being by myself. It scares the shit out of my mom, but I find peace in being a loner.
Everyday I look at people in groups laughing and joking. I read reviews of places where it's usually written that it's 'a great hangout place', but I go there and take a single seat. It pleases me to see people enjoying happy times with each other. There might be a little love or hate here and there, but they make it seem like it's fun.
I just can't do friends. Don't remember trying, but I know I can't. Being used to my current lifestyle, it's crystal that I'm perfectly off being a loner.
I find people bewildering. They dress to impress, they're easily influenced by people 'they' think are great, they love having opinions, they love to judge, they know things and don't know things at the same time, they like things and dislike things at the same time, it's too difficult to satisfy them and most of the times they are always right.
And everytime I empathize and make a person comfortable, he/she opens up. And a lot of people have opened up to me. I listen, but am not listened to (except for this blog, of course). And I never seem to find a person to tell everything to. Now see, I can solve this confusion to an extent- Because of my preconceptions of people, I distanced myself from them, got used to being like this, and now deep inside I really don't feel the need of a friend anymore.
With a whole lot of Facebook pages and posts around the internet we have the fundamentals of love influenced and adulterated by somebody else's opinions. I don't know what love is, but I know it when I see it. I don't know what love is, yet I have an image of how love could be. It's difficult to understand love but we feel it and our physical body acknowledges it's presence. Some call it magic, some call it butterflies, some call it a dimension, and some are still confused as to what to compare it with.
They say you have to fall in love with someone who accepts you as you are. And that you are perfect to the one who will accept all your imperfections. They also say, the right one will be the one who makes you a better person. Does that mean he/she will try to change you? Make you a better person by perfecting your imperfections? I don't know. I don't even want to get into more of this. Let's just say it's a huge complicated web in itself.
Dreamy, yes. Does look pretty simple, but I'm sure it's not. You need to be in it to know how confusing it gets at times.
Too confused to continue... (*kidding*). More soon.
, by Indhuja Pillai