The Loner Life

Disclaimer- Might be too deep. Might almost feel like some high philosophical emo writing. Just registering scattered thoughts through words here. If you follow, you might as well get to know a piece of me.

Being alone, talking to the mirror, blanking out, and all that, are just labelled things on the surface. Down deep, enjoying being alone is a curse. A good curse that saves you from caring too much about people.

A hearty meal, long meaningless rides- that feel like floating, bus trips around the city, long walks that lead to nowhere in particular, a movie in the theaters, rolling across the sleeping bag, no calls or blinking lights to attend to, no person to ask or tell anything to, nothing to fear, nothing to care. Alone. Blissful.

Few of the many things that might come as side-effects- Acceptance, Empathy, Listening (inward + outward) and Patience.

Acceptance and inward listening- 

Accepting reality, people's nature, facts, possibilities, and a hell lot more.

Accepting. Holding on. Letting go.

Inward listening is when your mind, brain and your heart listen to thee (read: you/self). Helps in soft control where there is no pain felt, or tears. Strategically, there are ways that help the 3 understand.

The Thee and the Three-

The three (the mind, brain & heart) have come to terms with the bit about friendship and being a simple independent human with values. Values acquired (from family), seen, experienced (from self and others) and learnt.

The Three work in weird ways- Like when there's nothing to do, and your hand reaches to your smartphone and taps on Facebook or Whatsapp. Or while waiting for 'Online' or a 'typing...' or a 'double blue tick'. Or while you unconsciously wait for the light to glow and die, and glow and die, and glow and die, to sink your eyes and fingertips into the screen, writing to people and sending them faces that feel for you.

Thee knows best about Thee, Thee knows that Thee gets used to habits real quick (read: acceptance), Thee suggested switching data off at home and doing stuff in the real world. To which the three have agreed.

And this is just one of the many things I've seen work.

Happiness & Euphoria. 

One is external, and has bounds. The latter is entirely internal and knows no bounds.

It's both hidden in a Hot Wheels car toy, in the kiss I give myself everyday, in the violin of the GoT theme song, in a kaleidoscope I made, in an ice-cream cake we all share, in the weekly Chinese food, in a haircut I get exactly after 3 weeks, in writing with an ink pen, in a pattern of street lights, in a trip to the airport for no reason and in thinking about all of this.

Gloom. 

Gloom does take room. There's just everything that can push you into more gloom but almost everytime there is one good thing to remember and cherish.

Simply put- I could either weep because no one loves me, or remember a time when someone really loved me. It's as simple as that.

Sometimes it's complicated, but mostly it's very short-lived. And very soon self-healing comes as natural as breathing when you've spent a great deal of quality time with yourself.

Friend.

November 2012, I was promoted, at work. A new city. My first new city. And just 4 months into the start-up, I was promoted. Proud! Yes I was! I wanted to tell someone how happy I felt. Oh yes! I took my phone out, I started walking, I imagined I'd have to walk a long way talking about the promotion, the new place, start-ups and all that. 

But blank I went when there was no one I could call. Call a friend. 

It's twenty-fifteen and I've grown old of the label of friendship now. I believe in it no more. I seek it no more. I admire man-man friendships. I've never seen anything like it. Ever. And, I think woman-woman friendship is weird as fuck. Probably because I've had none. But again, I've had neither. 

Luckily, I love seeing people in groups, as in good friends, a small pat, going places together, priceless smiles, tough times, drinking together, a warm greeting hug, a shoulder to laugh and cry on. Treasures! Lucky you people.

Love. 

Everytime someone asks me, "Have you found the one?", I say that the effing website was not meant to find someone. I haven't been looking, I never will.

I can't sit next to someone in a coffee shop and start talking shit. I can't hold hands with someone I don't love. I can't fall in love with someone just because I have to. I know that my love is a million layers deep and I can't pour it out just because someone is expectedly trying to scratch the walls.

Talking to someone gives one the urge to open up to someone. And that urge seems to have disappeared. It's probably another side-effect. But for all I can remember, I've only had one listener I've really spoken to, all my life (after my parents)- my soulmate that I set free.

Thing is, I choose what I remember and what I forget, and most of his memories are gone. But the very little I remember, I shall try and remember. Wai. Malvan. That red sandal you got me. The railroads we followed while we talked and listened. And my bike riding lessons.

I know love. Puppy love and mature love. And it's not just love that I'm talking about, when I'm talking about being a loner. It's much more.

Dying alone. I've imagined it a gazillion times since I decided to leave him be, be happy with his parents.

Living alone. Now this, this is the everyday I chose.


More words. Soon!