Thursday, September 17, 2015

Love & Strength

I'm 24 and my parents plead me to fall in love. They know arranged marriage is not going to work. After all they've loved 10 years before marriage, and 25 years after.


We went on a family trip to Pondicherry the last weekend and we did nothing but chill out at the Club Mahindra Resort. It was a voucher I got. Free stay basically, only the food and the commute were paid for.

On the way, we had just too much to talk about and once we reached we had too much time to rest. All we did was to eat, sleep, click photos, and talk. Additionally, I floated in the pool, danced on Saturday night and acted Tamil movie names while playing dumb-charades. On the way back, we were quite out of things to talk. There was music and I had the remote of the car's stereo. Tamil songs.

I sat there, staring outside the window, muttering the lyrics and wishing I had a Continental GT between my legs.

After a while, the music started to get me. A few songs had hyped lyrics, a few were just right, a few were just plain lies. The lyrics made sense, I was thinking of someone. And then I started thinking, a chain of thoughts and memories. Which I must say, I quite enjoy.

Dad-Mom love- 

I saw my parents, mom was sleeping, and dad was just sitting, hands folded. It started to flow-

Mom isn't dad's type. She is too generous, she is a Brahmin rebel, extroverted, she thinks after acting, she barely listens to us. Dad is more like me, non-brahmin, simple and peaceful, mostly introverted, a spendthrift, thinks a lot before acting, or even talking. There are many a times when mom gets on our nerves. Very few or non-existent, when dad does.

And they've been in love for almost 35 years now. I say 'love' because I know they love each other. It could've been 'putting up' at times, but mostly it's love. I'd love to believe so. 

Mom is like a mischievous brat and dad is like a silent kid. Dad never says, but he has a major corner of empathy for mom. He likes how she laughs holding her stomach and how she holds her chin while crying, during the movies. Mom loves dad like he's her crush, she never says but she finds him handsome, she's easily impressed by him, she also proudly talks about the time they secretly met and went out together.

Love is an emotion, capable of great things. I don't know how great, but I've seen my parents and yes, like everyone else, we've had hard times too.

And then I realized I've not really been silent all this while.


I don't think of love as a dimension or if it can transcend through time. I think of love as a basic human need, an emotion as complex as the human brain itself. There is no explanation, there is no reason.

I'd love to think I'm in constant love with myself. But otherwise I'd love him how the Sun loves the Earth. Everyday warmth, every morning sunrise, light! I'd love him like there is a tomorrow. A tomorrow so beautiful that I'd wait to wake up to his face (or maybe his photograph.) I'd dig him in my neck, keep him safe and kiss his nose. I'd write beautiful lines of love, sing so gay and dance in joy. I'd squeeze my fingers between his and never let go. Not even if it sweats. I'd love him like no one else or everybody together. 

Gladly, I accept that I might never get any of it. Love will only be memories, letting go and moving on. I don't wait for love to happen, I don't wait for the one or anyone at all. I can't look for love, no. Not outside. I need that closeness almost everyday, I need to open up and talk to him slowly, I need to go places with him, I need to know he loves me.

All this only after I open up, which never happens. Because I have a condition where I'm always the listener and almost every man I meet opens up to me, even those I barely know and vice versa. I like listening to people, it helps me know what and how they think, and sometimes even finish their sentences.

As humans, we are safe until the memories haunt us. Until the memories are happy, and we recollect them as good times. Love and rejection make people strong. For me, it's made me stronger than I ever was. Infact, everyday, as time flies by, I know I'm becoming stronger.


Letting go is difficult. And for a loner who loves company, his company, letting go only gets harder. But, there are a few 'buts' to all of that- Family & Passion.

I can let go for family. His family. I can let go for passion. His and mine.

Once you know how the world works, you will know how things might turn out to be. I know I won't be fought for. I know men won't do stupid shit in the name of love for someone like me. I know men won't fall beard over boots for a simple loner with no goals (only passion).

Acceptance gives you strength. And accepting in front of the mirror, to yourself, only makes you stronger. 

I'm not strong enough. My eyes still get wet for Kabira and Manchala (3:49 and yes I still weep). I'll get there. I'm in my 20s and it probably takes time hence, but I can't lose it now.

Now is when I'm living life my way. And I used to only dream of a life like this. I cannot let sadness run my life. Joy is always the leader.
All this might sound depressing to a few. But trust me, it's necessary for me to put it all out. Listener's curse. Writer's boon. Words help.

More on strength soon. Until then, smile!


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